Lost.

Back.

Yet again from another few days of detailed thoughts and self-analysis.

I haven't forgotten the wish I made 3 years ago.

And I'm still pondering over it.

To simply describe what I'm thinking of now, imagine me in this situation.

I'm pushing a bike along a muddy and dirt-covered path, with mist and fog all around.

To add on, the path is so slippery that once I slip and fall, I drop.

Extremely hard.

And reaching that path again will be, if not impossible, extremely hard.

I can't see anything more than 10 metres ahead of me.

The mist is so thick I cannot even see what is in front of me.

Then, there's always the other option to get away from the path.

I get on the bike, and I cycle to another path which I can see too clearly and where it will lead to.

I've been thinking over this for the past 2 to 3 years.

Each time I see one of these "events" that appear everywhere around me.

It influences me.

Changes my mindset.

And I get stuck.

Right into this current situation.

People, ordinary humans who are, if not younger, around my age are accomplishing things way higher than what I can do.

I got this quote from a show. And I think it makes sense.

"There's nothing wrong with imitating a person as long as it's to find who you really are"

Yet again, imitating someone is hard.

Sometimes, I really wish I can see the future.

See how it turns out to be. What will become of me in another 4 to 5 years time.

Seriously, I really do not know what I want to be after I finish my National Service.

Become a Network Engineer?

Something not related to my interest or course of study?

Or what I've been thinking for these past 3 years?

Even if I want to do what I've been thinking, the only thing that is stopping me.

Do I really have what it takes?

From there, can I carry on?

Or do I just die down soon after accomplishing it?

Now, I feel that I'm losing time.

Every passing hour.

Every passing minute.

Every passing second.

In another 6 to 7 months, I leave civilization and enter training to protect my country.

Who knows what will happen after that?

Will I change my mind?

Or will I continue pursuing what I wanted?

Each time I think about it.

My mind feels like it's about to explode.

The thought of it continually grows and expands to the point where my brain cannot take it anymore.

The only way to stop it is to close my eyes and lie down on my bed.

I want to do this.

Because I only have one life to do it.

One path to make that will last me all the way.

And I want to give my parents, my family, something that is hard to achieve now.

An enjoyable life.

Ever since I started secondary school.

My life has been in decline.

Monetary problems explains everything.

I want to accomplish this.

But I'm lacking one thing that leads to the only thing that restricts and slows my movement along this path I need to take.

Confidence.

I want to call for help.

But instead, I end up getting dissuaded.

Lost and unable to know which way to go.

Perhaps mocked and laughed at.

And I know no one can help me but myself.

If I don't, no one can or will.

I need some help.

Some assistance.

A helping hand.

Someone to give me a head start.

Someone to guide me in the right path.

Perhaps, walk on the path with me.