Disappointment hits hard, right in the core of the soul.

What a somewhat uneventful day today.

Had a gay argument with Ganesh over some part-time job stuff.

Partly my fault because I don't like working in that line.

The customers at the Hello Kitty Store was bad experience enough, if you know what I was saying.

Then, as me and Taibo were walking around, we tend to notice people staring at us like as if they are going to kill us.

Doesn't feel weird?

It does when a guy on a bike with a black shirt sticks up the middle finger at you for no apparent reason.

Then comes the disappointment of the day.

I finally finished my checkup.

The doctor says I have Chronic Glomerulonephritis, or Chronic GN for short.

From what I read on wikipedia, its not really that dangerous.

Then again, I read from this other website, it says this:

Chronic GN is the terminal stage of the disease, and it is one of the important causes of chronic renal failure. And, interestingly, the patient may directly /suddenly report to the physician with the symptoms of chronic GN, without passing through either the acute/subacute phase of the disease. Further, most of the time, a previous history of sore throat may also not be available. Therefore, the occult nature of the disease is clear both in the subacute and chronic stages of this ailment.

Seriously, I'm lost.

It says "Terminal Stage", which somewhat means "near the end".

HAH!

But if something happens, I might have kidney failure.

That's something to be sad about now.

Because of this, I can't find a girlfriend that easily now.

Ahh, that sucks.

Well, somewhat a shotgun to the chest.

Then after I read my letter from SAF in my letterbox, it was another shotgun to the head.

I'm certified PES E9/L9.

Simply put, I'm certified 1 PES level higher than F, which is exemption from the army.

After training so hard for a gold in my NAPFA, I'm still getting this.

Perhaps someone out there thinks I'm probably emo-ing now, thinking who's going to miss me when I die or stuff like that.

As much as I want to emo...

Sorry, I stopped emo-ing ever since Secondary school.

Feeling sad is definitely something I'm experiencing now.

Other than expecting people to say stuff like:

"HAHA! Weak shit. Can't even go shoot water in CD."

"Eh, lousy leh. Blood from your penis. Then become clerk."

And all those other looking-down quotes.


I guess I've learnt a lot from my mother then.

I have to learn to accept that I cannot do anything because of this.

Yes, my urine has red blood cells detected in it. But the problem lies in my kidney.

And its not my choice to become a clerk.

I want to hold a SAR21.

I want to fire live rounds.

I want to be an officer, because I told someone I will become one for that person if I can.

All those seems bleak now.


I may not be as well off as everyone around.

I don't even have the chance to do what some people can do.

But I know as long as I try my dang best to do what I can for what I want,

I'd have done it with no regrets.

After so long, everything is beginning to change.

Its been 3 months since the last post.

A single blink of an eye, its August already.

And its been nearly 8 months since I made my NS checkup. Gonna have to wait till tomorrow where my checkup would be finished at TTSH.

Seriously hope I can get in around October. I'm practically wasting time sitting and idling around at home or at the mall.

Not to mention, I'll come out early if I enter early.

And better still, I hope I get into the ARMY instead of Police or Civil Defence.

The way how the government handles stuff with NS anyway, will always piss someone off.

Nuff talk about the army.

Let's see..

The last post was during the graduation.

Still got the pictures. Don't think I'm going to upload them here though. Sorry bout that.

Its on my Facebook. You can take a look there.

Right after graduation, I finished my part-time job for like half a month.

Dang lazy of me to work.

I focused on my driving lessons fully.

1 month of pure driving lessons almost 3-4 times per week.

Then, after that chapter, I started to see people going missing.

Other than the closest people around me going army, some were already in the workforce.

Everyday for them was this one word.

"Busy"

Don't like the idea of visiting them at work, nor calling them.

I fear I might disrupt their work, or cause them trouble. Heh.

Spent 2 weeks playing games and I felt distracted, which is somewhat good in some ways.

After so long, I felt that I should really start working out.

Since I'm not working, might as well prepare myself.

For something.

Army? My future?

Its been like 4-5 days since I've been doing exercises late in the night where its cooler.

Now the whole body's sore.

Not to mention, I'm rushing exercises, might injure some parts of my body if I don't do it correctly.

Starting to see a slight change. Maybe a slight light line coming out.

Currently stopping exercises for a while to let the sore muscles heal before I begin again.

I'm definitely happy and relieved for the peeps around me.

Haziq is gonna finish his SISPEC soon. Maybe even going for ASLC.

Ganesh is going to Korea for the World Taekwondo Hanmadang Competition.

Hopefully, he sets up something there in motion for our trip in 2 years to come.

JS is in army. Doing well, which is definitely good to hear.

Joni is... continuing studies? Ahh, he's fine.

Chun is gonna go in army in another 2 months time.

Eileen is working. She seems somewhat happy working. And she got in a university. Definitely great.

I wonder what the rest like Kevin and Huihui are doing though. Didn't really find out.



Sometimes, I feel...

Oh wait, I HAVE no one to talk about things that exists or linger in my mind.

The only thing that listens is this blog. Its where I can type out everything I want to let out.

And the blog listens. Shows. Publishes.

Most on the fact that the stuff I talk about are more towards what is happening to the planet.

Stuff that Ganesh talks are mostly business-minded.

Stuff that Joel talks are army-minded.

While the rest have topics way far off than me.

I'm on Uranus while they are at Earth.

Everyone says from the looks of it, I'm not even gonna get a girlfriend even at the age of 30.

Ganesh keeps saying my girlfriend has got to be some hot model because my standards are set way too high.

Though I somehow feel my standards aren't really that high.

People keep telling me this.

"You don't need to find one to be forever with. Its just for experience."

Or something across that line if you understand what it means.

Summarized, it means "Playing around".

But this question that I've always held in my mind stands up to this.

"How would the other party feel when he/she has really loved you so?"

Sure, both men and perhaps even women play around.

But when you put yourself in the losing end, how would you feel if someone plays with you?

I've been a bit angry and frustrated at how people are mocking me.

Telling me all the excuses I've been saying to evade questions.

And its somewhat true, I agree.

Its all excuses to evade the questions.

Then they start making fun of how the excuses I make relate to them.

Which the event has never happened to them before.

I get angry, yet I can't do anything but to place it and fill it up into a large mentally created bottle.

It overflows everytime, but I just cannot do anything.

Except to clean up the mess that I've created.

Some keep saying of how my body looks like a block of wood.

Static and unchanged.

It sounds somewhat funny, but its a bit offensive when its overdone.

But I can't do anything about it.

Because when I think about it seriously, its the truth.

I lack the courage to do everything. That, which includes talking.

Not just to women, but also to everyone.

I don't want to say something wrong, and lose a friend I've known for so long.

Its not that I don't want to try, but I don't like the idea of failing again.

It takes quite some time for me to stand up once I fall down.